It’s a known fact that everyone loves movies. If you don’t love movies you’re either an alien or a soulless monster. So I’m just going to assume that all of you reading this are neither of those things and that you love to watch movies like any normal college student in the world. And if you are anything like the rest of the college-aged population, you have no idea what the hell you are going to do once you graduate. Luckily, your favorite type of movie can tell you exactly what lays ahead in your future, and I’m here to decipher it like the money-grabbing psychic that your aunt calls whenever she loses her keys.
If you favor the guns-a-blazing, car chasing and total destruction that action and adventure films have to offer, congratulations! You are going to live the rest of your life at a 9-to-5 desk job where you probably crunch numbers or other boring things like that. Sure, you can delude yourself into thinking that you will become the next James Bond, but in reality you will be a normal Joe who lives the monotonous life of the American office worker. Sorry to burst that bubble. But, hey, you can always go AWOL like that guy did in “Office Space” and burn your office building to the ground.
I’ll start out by saying that no, you will not be the next Kristen Wiig or Will Ferrell. Now that that’s out of the way, you will hold a normal desk job like the Action/Adventure guys above you, or a gig waiting tables, but you will be a bit more adventurous. You will also be doing either stand-up or improv on the side as a stress relief and an attempt at your fantasy career. Chances are, you won’t be the funniest person in the room, but at least you will have fun and lots of laughs to get you by.
You love to watch these movies because you want to escape from your perfect life and watch others suffer because it reminds you how good you have it and that you shouldn’t complain. You probably have a pretty cushy job in a field you like, if not really love, and you need something to ground you. Or you just enjoy watching other people’s lives going terribly wrong, but I like being an optimist.
You are either waiting around for your Prince Charming to come find you, or you are escaping from your perfectly fine boyfriend and hoping that he changes to become extraordinary. It’s pretty understandable; I mean who wouldn’t want to marry Hugh Grant (even if he is kind of gross in real life). Personally, I go for the Austen film adaptations, and then I can lie and say I’m interested in the culture and dresses of that period. I’m not sure if anyone believes me. Career-wise, it’s a little harder to pinpoint. You will probably just have a job that shows you how terrible men really are, which enables you to continue to escape to your fictional boyfriend.
You will be a freelance writer who lives off of your parents’ charity (aka checkbook) until your potential screenplay or short story has its “big break” and you become loaded from that. Until then, you will just be sitting in a non-Starbucks coffee shop, drinking your Americano with a bunch of sugar and staring at the blank Word document on your computer screen.
Granted, these are all speculations that will never happen because you are a student at Trinity University. You’re going to kick butt and take names. Except me. I’ll just be a recluse that lives in my parents’ basement until I’m forty because I like musicals. Save yourselves.