Partly in anticipation of coming changes to Trinity University dining and partly as a reaction to numerous one-star reviews from esteemed Instagram food critic @mabeefoodreviews, Aramark officials decided this Monday to blow up Mabee Dining Hall with dynamite as a last-ditch attempt to garner sympathy for the failing eatery. Witnesses report being on the way to breakfast when red bricks — as well as a rubbery orange substance that may have been Mabee’s most recent failed science experiment, so-called “vegan cheese” — went flying.

Students cheered as Mabee Dining Hall combusted last Monday. photo by ISO Bitch, camera monkey

Aramark officials stated that no Mabee staff members were injured in the explosion. Except for the one guy who lit the stick of dynamite, they were told not to come into work that day.

Only one unfortunate bystander, sophomore Mona Myrtle, seemed to have been hit in the head with a brick. Apparently concussed, she has been squatting in the rubble where Mabee used to be for three days, lapping up burnt vegan cheese.

“I miss Mabee,” Myrtle said, her cries echoing through campus, louder even than the baseball team’s blaring practice music. “My powdered eggs, my Jello, my overcooked squash!”

Health services has made numerous attempts to remove the injured student from ground zero. But Aramark — notable for always winning this type of battle — said no.

“See, the explosion initiative is all about making students feel bad for us,” Aramark marketing manager Cherry Cheery explained. “With all the drama about the Mabee swipe policy and all the complaints about bland mystery meat when there could be good vegetarian options … That makes us look like the bad guy. A student sobbing because she loved Mabee so much? Now that’s a quality marketing move.”

Additionally, Aramark recently set up a kickstarter to fund the construction of a new dining facility, which will either be called The Shortest Tower Ever or Mabee 2: The Reckoning. So far, the crowdfunding campaign has raised none of its two million dollar goal.

“I don’t understand why,” Cheery said. “I thought Trinity students were activists. I thought they would care about the starving, deprived masses — especially when it’s themselves!”

Trinity students, however, remain mostly unperturbed by Mabee’s sudden absence.

“Mabee Dining Hall … That’s what that big room next to the P.O.D. was?” Senior Ford Etful said, perplexed, when asked for his thoughts about Monday’s explosion. “Oh yeah, okay, wait, I think I remember eating there when I was a freshman. Yeah, the place with the cold fries? Huh, yeah I guess I never noticed it got completely demolished. I just stopped eating there so long ago.”

First-year Kevin Greasy is glad for an excuse to spend all of his parents’ money at Pizza Classics.

“They can’t get mad at me for using the credit card at restaurants anymore! I have no other option,” Greasy said.

Since the explosion, former Mabee workers have relocated to other food-selling areas on campus.

“It’s such a relief not to spend my entire day listening to the same five eighties songs. There isn’t any music in the commons. I never thought I would find silence so beautiful,” former Mabee worker Gordon Pansy said.

If the explosion initiative fails to achieve reasonable levels of pity for Mabee Dining Hall, Aramark plans to purchase @mabeefoodreview and use the account to paint a more positive picture of food sold on campus.

“Nobody’ll even know it’s not a student running the account,” Cheery added.

As of now, Trinity has no plans to rebuild the destroyed dining hall.

“I think we’ll probably just put a big white wall around the whole thing. Students will assume we’re doing something, and that’ll be enough,” dean of students Davis Buttle said.

This is a work of satirical fiction produced for the 2018 issue of the Trinibonian.

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