OpinionDear Kayla: How do I fall out of love?

Illustration by Andrea Nebhut Dear Kayla, I’m tired of liking someone. I’m tired of wasting my time and I’m tired of hoping for change or to eventually get over it. How do you fall out of love? -Miss Unloved Dear Miss Unloved, When thinking of why we dwell in suffering, I’d like to direct you to Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths and what they have to say about how we can remove ourselves from miserable circumstances....
Kayla PadillaOctober 31, 20191593 min
https://149362186.v2.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/LoveFuel-1280x895.png

Illustration by Andrea Nebhut

Dear Kayla, I’m tired of liking someone. I’m tired of wasting my time and I’m tired of hoping for change or to eventually get over it. How do you fall out of love? -Miss Unloved

Dear Miss Unloved,

When thinking of why we dwell in suffering, I’d like to direct you to Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths and what they have to say about how we can remove ourselves from miserable circumstances.

1. To be a human animal is to be uncomfortable.

Life is an unending cycle of embracing the bearable times and trying to survive the unbearable times. People often talk about wanting to reach a point in their life where they are infinitely happy, but often forget that happiness is finite. Not a single one of us will ever reach a point in our lives that will stay comfortably full of joy because life is inevitably heartbreaking. And yet, just like happiness is finite, so is sadness. The goal is not to be happy or sad, but to balance the two and develop strong support systems, as well as coping mechanisms to help you during these transitions. When you are upset, remember that it will pass and you will reach a moment of happiness. When you are happy remember the sadness you endured, and the strength that allowed you to continue living. To be a human animal is to suffer, and to be a courageous human animal is to accept this suffering as it is.

2. When we resist discomfort, we suffer.

It’s so simple to lie to oneself about our emotions and shove them under the rug; except we can all see the really big bump under each other’s rugs. If you feel upset, then be upset. If you feel unloved, accept you feel unloved without passing judgement. We have all, at several points in our lives, felt unloved in some shape or form. Accept that you still have feelings for this person, except this time, don’t raise any judgement, expectations, or thoughts. Quiet your thoughts every time they want to promote a negative feeling. Do not resist the truth; for it is because you have resisted this truth that you have continued to suffer.

3. Suffering ceases when we let go of the idea of “me.”

If everyone in the world were to be conscious of the way their actions affect those surrounding them, there would be less suffering on our planet. We suffer because we forget that we are connected to everything else, and everyone else. We mistake what is impermanent to be permanent due to our own self-absorbed world-view. Surely in our perception of the world, we are great communicators in our relationships, however, in the worldview of our friends, that may not be true. We forget that others have opinions on us that are different from what we believe their perception of us is, and that is okay. So in your worldview, you still have feelings for this person, but you forget that in their worldview, they have moved on. Accept both perceptions, and accept they do not and will never work together.

4. We are part of the energy that creates everything.

Have you ever stopped to consider what energy you’ve been putting out into the world? The Law of Attraction states that the mere thought of a negative belief, feeling, or emotion is enough to send out negative vibrations in the world. The way we use language is also fundamental in the way we preserve our energy. Instead of saying, “I will never overcome this crush,” say, “I am in the process of overcoming my crush.” I cannot stress enough how important it is you include “I am in the process of” in your affirmation. By saying, “I have overcome my crush,” you are knowingly lying to yourself, and therefore sending out negative vibrations, defeating the purpose of an affirmation and its healing qualities.

It’s okay to feel as if you’ve been “overcoming” for what seems like forever. You are in the process of accepting yourself as you are. You are in the process of overcoming your crush. Whatever getting over your crush entails only you truly know, I simply provided a guide to help you on your road to ending your suffering. All my love (proof you are not unloved),

Kayla

Kayla Padilla

One comment

  • JB

    November 4, 2019 at 11:58 pm

    Kayla’s advice may work for some, but there it’s not very practical. It only really works on those who get closure from introversion and mindfulness. Therefore, I would like to offer my own.

    First, there’s only one cure for a broken heart: time. Length of time is different for each case. It can last days, or it can last years.

    Here’s five easy steps that quicken the process. It won’t make it better all at once, but each day will be a slight improvement.

    1) You can no longer be friends with them, especially if you’re in love with them and they’re not in love with you. Hanging out with them, being friends, and doing things together will only sustain your feelings. Cut off as much contact as you can. You can be friends again further down the line, but only if you’re no longer in love with them.

    2) If you can, leave nothing unsaid to this person. In the case of unrequited love, a firm rejection is far better than a perceived rejection (plus it helps with #1). In the case of a breakup, say your goodbyes and get some closure. This step is helpful and encouraged for the common cases that I mentioned, but there are definitely circumstances where you shouldn’t reach out (e.g., abusive exes).

    3) Change your routine. This can be as little as changing around your room or wearing different clothes, or as involved as starting a new hobby. If you keep doing the same thing and follow the same routines, then you’ll see far more reminders of them and feel the pangs of loss more often. Instead, you try something new and sometimes make new friends. As you learn and grow you won’t be the same person who fell in love with them.

    4) Reach out to trusted friends and family. Vent your feelings regularly, but do so in a safe, non-judgmental environment (read: alone with a friend in your room is far better than twitter). It’s important not to internalize these feelings or to try to power through on your own.

    5) Take care of yourself. Sleep 8 hours per night, eat 3 meals per day, exercise 3-5 times per week, and participate in 1+ hobbies for fun. This is all basic advice for mental health management. If you’re unable or find it insufficient, then seek professional help.

    Reply

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