Halloween is upon us once again, and the time for revealing, inappropriate outfits to be socially acceptable is upon us too. But this isn’t your “I’m just a little tipsy” friend’s closet, this is the closet of the topical costumes — a place where levity reigns supreme and frequent utterance of “too soon” can be heard echoing throughout.
Who? Commander of Apollo 11, first man on the moon and a god among men.
Costume Requirements: A helmet of some sort — a motorcycle helmet would be best, but a salad bowl would work too — and a lot of aluminum foil.
Related Alternate Costume: Buzz Aldrin: same costume but just cackle maniacally while taking very slow, long steps and saying “I take the last step!”
Who? Brother of Neil Armstrong (fact check: not true at all), cancer survivor and amazing role model for everyone (fact check: also not true at all).
Costume Requirements: Bike clothing — tighter is better, bike helmet, medicine bottle clearly labeled “steroids” in one hand and an empty bag clearly labeled “Tour de France trophies.”
Related Alternate Costume: Jerry Nelson: dress up as The Count from Sesame Street and somehow work numbers into every sentence and joke. Bonus points if one of the jokes is about the number of Tour de France trophies Lance Armstrong has (hint: it’s zero).
Willard Mitt Romney
Who? Presidential candidate of the Republican party and Mormon, constructed from a blend of human flesh, hair, electronic components and money.
Costume Requirements: Fancy suit, blue tie and a perpetual smug expression — preferably a smirk.
Related Alternate Costume: Thrift Shop Man: complete opposite from Mitt, this costume can be traced from the movement popularized by Macklemore X Ryan Lewis’ awesome song, “Thrift Shop.” Make sure to look it up.
Who? Fan of Red Bull, record-holding stratosphere diver and a plain crazy Austrian.
Costume Requirements: White ski jackets and ski pants. Just think of Disney Channel Minutemen. A motorcycle helmet and a cool black visor are required — and a can of Red Bull.
Related Alternate Costume: Arnold Schwarzenegger: dress as a fellow crazy Austrian and gun-toting politician while crying out, in your best impersonation, “I’m back! Take me back, Maria!”
Who? International pop sensation, fellow member of Justin Bieber’s (foreshadowing) record label and very, very Asian.
Costume Requirements: Sunglasses, blue jacket, tuxedo shirt dance shoes, hair gel and, of course, a bowtie.
Related Alternate Costume: Elevator guy: more about the hip thrusting than the costume.
Who? A child pop star, Canadian, boyfriend of Selena Gomez and amazing (to the point of singing while clearly vomiting) performer.
Costume Requirements: Tight jeans, any T-shirt, unbuttoned flannel jacket, bright shoes, flattening iron and fake vomit (yes, it is something you can buy online and no, you don’t get bonus points for using real vomit).
Related Alternate Costume: Holographic Tupac Shakur: white pants, no shirt and something hanging from your neck — maybe a sign saying, “I am alive!”