American politics is topsy-turvy right now. With motivational candidates such as Deez Nuts and the overcooked carrot with a toupee of straw masquerading as a person named Donald Trump, it’s a really tough call on who should be the next president of the United States of America. Let me further complicate things by suggesting a few tickets to think about for the 2020 election. I promise you, each of them would raise this country back to prosperity. AMERICA!
Kanye already took the first step of this one for me by announcing his candidacy at the MTV Music Video Awards last week. I’m taking his announcement one step further by adding Jay Z to his ticket. I imagine it would work a lot like the Bush/Cheney administration. Kanye would be the cute, shy, lovable dork that always says the wrong things, and Jay Z would be the brain and the muscles behind the scenes, plus the corruption of his multi-million-dollar music empire would grease a few wheels.
America needs that kind of dynamic again since it worked so well the first (and second) time. Plus, this way, Kim Kardashian would be the First Lady and Beyoncé the Second Lady and that’s what America needs. Nay, what it deserves.
Amy Poehler/Tina Fey
Obviously, this would be the literal best-case scenario. But in order to win bipartisan support, these super talented ladies will have to act their way into the White House. Poehler would do her Hillary Clinton impression, and Fey her Sarah Palin. This way both parties would get one of their people in the executive branch. Kind of. Unfortunately, Poehler and Fey would have to keep up with these personalities throughout their term, and while we might love it, other countries might not be as amused. But who cares what Russia thinks? Real Palin can see it from her house, so she’ll let us know what they are up to.
John Oliver/Ryan Gosling
I believe it’s time to do away with that archaic “natural-born citizen” rule concerning presidents, especially since John Oliver has made it clear that he is the best thing to happen to politics in this country in years.
Personally, I think he would be an awesome president. He’s knowledgeable yet fun-loving, and he is definitely familiar with all of the issues.
And since Ryan Gosling is from Canada, he could make America a part of the British Empire once more, and then our obsession with the royals could be somewhat excusable.
Also, by having Ryan Gosling so high up the ranks of politics, many more women just might come out to vote. Not because of his looks, but because of the possibility of his naked chest riding a horse, a la Vladimir Putin. That’s very political.
My Dad/Chris Pratt
When I called my father for the first time in several years to ask him which celebrity he would like to be on his ticket as vice president, he responded, “No one. I’m apolitical. I don’t want the job anyway.” If that doesn’t make you want him to be your president, I don’t know what will. As a sarcastic 59-year-old white male who bases all of his decisions on logic, he’s a pretty typical presidential candidate. To spice things up, I’m pairing him up with Chris Pratt, who is so lovable that North Korea will just hand over their nuclear weapons with one look at his puppy-dog eyes.
I’m not just paring my dad up with Chris Pratt just because that would mean I would get to hang out with Pratt on a daily basis. I’m not that shallow.