1. LeeRoy Daily News will never fail you. You feel so much more aware of your surroundings if you walk by the Fiesta Room and know exactly what hoodrat stuff is going on in there because you read LeeRoy. Seriously, what is up with people not reading all of their e-mails?
2. Sleep Everywhere. The library is not that hard to sleep in overnight. The alarms are fake. You can also sleep in the tarp tunnel tube on the baseball field, although bring blankets. The art building can get cold. Holy shaloopy, so can the library.
3. Poop strategically. What we mean here, is that you shouldn’t have to feel like the only place you can poop is in the comfort of your own home. Second floor library has about a 75 percent empty rate. People are gaining on this, though. Second floor Northrup is a little higher at 82 percent, with more accommodating facilities. If you really have to let the sharks swim free, go to Storch first floor. Are you stupid? Avoid Murchison. Also, worst case scenario, blow nose while it drops. Or just make fake farting noises so people get really awkward because then its just funny.
4. Free food is everywhere. Be smart about it! Refer to reading the LeeRoy Daily News for ideas. For anything that says, “international,” go, they have the best free food, which also implies that it is non-Aramark food. Never go to an event that says “We will serve punch and cookies,” because you will be disappointed.
5. Make more Mabee orker friends. Your level of happiness will increase exponentially and you can pick up another language. Free credits. Free food, what.
6. Make friends with random people. Such as Alex Coy and Chrissy Breit. These two do not come in a pair. Also make friends with people who self-declare their own nickname.
8. Wear robes to as many parties as you can. This saves you the effort of needing to put real clothes on and we know this stresses a lot of you out. Also, it looks like you just got out of the shower and are fresh and clean, even though you definitely are not.
9. It’s OK to be in a weird place.
10. Don’t say, “Lets do something spontaneous!” Because that’s not spontaneous already.
11. Keep your inbox below five emails. And always label. What? We’re serious.
12. Join as many clubs as you can. There is a pretty good chance some of them will be eliminated by the time you leave. Oh, and Rush Gamma! Rush SPURS!
13. Distract others by decoying to personality tests. Like, take Myers-Briggs. Both parties involved will be more rewarded in the end. And then you can find out your celebrity look-a-likes.
14. Dude, don’t skip class. Is that extra hour of sleep or studying or fondling really going to help you when you have to study for the next test you weren’t in class for?
15. Don’t wear heels to class. We aren’t just saying his because the two of us are freakishly tall, but you’re trying too hard, man. It’s just class. Your psychology professor won’t push your 89 up to a 90 because you got an extra four inches on your step. And that guy isn’t impressed, anyway.
16. Don’t shave your legs all the time. Now I know we are environmentalists, but beyond the copious amounts of chemical-filled shave gel, extra water usage and time spent staring at yourself, not caring is actually in.
17. T-Chat way more than you already do. Even professors. Even Chrissy Breit.
18. Take the VIA bus. Like pop the bubble, just the tip.
Catharine Found was a member of the volleyball team, Student Ambassadors, Students of Sustainability and Trinity Garden Club. She is graduating with a degree is Urban Studies.
Jane Wilberding was a member of the Trinity Garden Club, water polo team and Amnesty International. She is also graduating with an Urban Studies degree.
Guest columns should be arranged with managing editor Megan Julian (email@example.com) at least one week prior to publication.