Some of you may remember I wrote an article last semester about objectifying men in movies by saying which butts were the butts to rule the cinematic butt kingdom. I know my Mom does. Just yesterday she told me, “For the love of everything that is good in the world, please don’t write another article about butts!” Well, sorry, Mom. It is my journalistic duty to report about what I think is important in society, and rating men’s butts is up there with the right to vote. Plus, it is my duty as an American citizen to honor American butts, since I screwed up last time and only talked about UK heinies. Here we go!
Jake Gyllenhaal in “Love & Other Drugs”
Granted, this movie is pretty depressing because Gyllenhaal’s love interest (played by Anne Hathaway) has Parkinson’s disease. But they get down and dirty so often that it makes up for that fact. And because the movie is rife with “adult situations,” the audience is graced with Jake’s bare behind. It’s cute, and relatively firm, so”¦ 4 out of 5 Butts!
Chris Evans in “Not Another Teen Movie” and Others
Ah, the all-American butt! I am thankful to say that I have never seen “Not Another Teen Movie” for obvious reasons, but I am sad I missed out on the first big breakthrough for Evan’s prime posterior. Luckily we also have “What’s Your Number” and any movie “Captain America” appears in to ogle at it. Granted in the “Captain America” and “Avengers” films we don’t get to see a naked Evans, but I think tight spandex outfits more than makes up for that fact. And since he is Captain America, he has the most American of all asses, and man, what a cute tush it is! 5 out of 5 Butts!
Chris Pratt in “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Jurassic World”
Once again the American people are deprived of what they really want: a naked Chris. Sure, we see Pratt shirtless in “Guardians” (and what a fine image that was), but we want the butt! I guess spandex and khakis will have to do for this one. If you really want to see a fully nude Pratt, you have to go watch “Parks and Recreation.” People may be disappointed because his body isn’t in tip-top shape in any particular episode, but I loved him even when he was cute and chubby. But since we don’t actually ever see his cute keister, I’m forced to give it”¦ 3 out of 5 Butts!
Matt Bomer in “Magic Mike”
Since “Magic Mike” about male strippers, it is chock full of fantastic fannies. There’s Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum (who was actually once a male stripper before he hit it big in Hollywood), Alex Pettyfer, and Joe Manganiello. However, this female writer was most impressed by Bomer’s bum. It may have to do with the fact that he has the most gorgeous face as well as the most defined behind, but that’s just hearsay. I give this regal rear”¦ 5 out of 5 Butts!