Your grades are plummeting, you rarely leave your dorm room and you can’t get it together to save your own life. You are far from your prime. Luckily, the year is 2015 and none of this matters! It’s not important to have it all “” it’s just important to look like you have it all. By employing a few simple tricks, you can make it seem like your life is amazing “” even when it’s not.
Step 1: Never admit to posing for a photo (unless it’s a selfie.) The most glamourous people have entire crews devoted to taking candid photos of them. You can recreate this same effect by looking wistfully into the distance in 50% of your pictures. The goal is to seem like you just happened to be thinking deep thoughts about the universe when someone snapped a candid photo. (Protip: Eye contact with the lens is overrated. You don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.)
Step 2: Spend hours filtering each photo. Regular life is boring. Life in Amaro is awesome. Even better: pay money you could be spending on real things to download fancy photo apps instead of using the generic filters. Since your followers won’t be able to recognize what filter you used, they’ll assume automatically that everything you post is #natural. Plus, you’ll be able to literally edit any part of your life that you don’t like. Forgot to put on makeup one day? Photoshop it on. Wish your eyes were naturally blue? Change it with a single swipe. Everyone will be in awe of how you look so put together all the time. (If they ask, act oblivious. Don’t admit that this is all you do with your life.)
Step 3: Make it look like you are always on vacation. This can be achieved in a multitude of ways. Option 1 is to go on vacation one time, and take a bunch of photos with different exotic backdrops. If you take 100 photos, you’ll have enough material to upload gradually for the rest of the year. Option 2 is to pull up a high resolution image of an exotic place and post that on your feed, with a caption implying that you’re there. “OMG, Love the sunset in Hawaii tonight! So beautiful, xoxoxox.” As long as you don’t mention that you haven’t left Prassel all weekend, technically you’re not lying.
Step 4: Post about every meal you eat so people know that behind your perfect online profile, there’s just a normal person who loves to eat food (after it’s been photographed, of course.) This is the perfect place to put those filters to the test: if you can make Mabee dinners look exciting, than even your boring life can be made sensational with a little internet magic.
Step 5: Get a real life and get off the internet. Just kidding. That’s crazy talk.