GAMMA’S NEW CHARITY IS TEACHING THE PHI DELTS HOW TO PARTY
The PDK’s are sick and tired of their good girl image.
“Yeah, so, like, 10 years ago PDK was lame but now, like, we’re the Phi Delts, and we party hard,” said Chastity Bond.
The last Phi Delt party was off the chain, with the ladies drinking wine while making cookies as the “Dear Evan Hansen” original cast recording blasted from the speakers.
However, Phi Delts feel that they could still be getting even more lit. In order to up their game, the women of Phi Delta Kappa decided to partner with members of Gamma Chi Delta.
“I was inspired by Lee Hay Spalding,” Bond said. “I sat next to her in 8:30 Geology class and she came into class looking just so hungover every morning on Mondays and Fridays and even some Wednesdays.”
“We’ve had a lot of fun teaching the Phi Delts how to get turnt,” said Trina Gams, “They are so sweet and adorable. I really feel like we are helping. This is now one of our new charities.”
BENGAL LANCERS BREAK DOWN STEREOTYPES
“What’s the difference between the football team and the Lancers?” said Babby Wattsun, “I thought being a Lancer was just part of playing football.”
In order to combat these type of misconceptions, the Lancers planned a discussion which consisted of club members yelling from a tree.
“Not all football players join Lancers,” screams Punter Greene from the tree, “The other half of the team is always in bible study,”
“Football isn’t the only thing that Lancers play,” raps another Lancer over a purchased beat from the internet, “Some of our active members participate in rug-bay.”
The Sprouse was sprocked by spcandel when a member of the recent pledge class started dating a member of Iota Chi Ro.
Spurty Spurson says, “I dated a baseball player all last year and he was great. So nice, so pretty, the best butt, decent stats, but I just realized that what I really wanted was someone who could get me even more weed. I-Kyle had that for me.”
Despite the odd nature of the pairing, SPURS support their sprister.
“SPURS are open minded as hell,” SPURS president Salli Sprouma said. “Our sisters date boys and girls from all walks of life and we are a hundred percent supportive. I think Spurty and I-Kyle are so spodarable.”
Other spristers felt differently.
“I want Spurty to be happy,” Sparrow Spearman said, “But last week she missed Thurs-baes in order to listen to local indie music on Princess Pass. Seriously?”
When asked about Spurty and I-Kyle, the men of Iota Chi Ro look confused.
“I-Kyle has a girlfriend?” asked Danny Connie, “Oh, and she’s a SPUR? I’ve never met a SPUR, but I hear they are stuck-up jerks.”
When shown a picture of SPURS Sorority from bid day, Danny Connie realized that he had indeed met at least 15 active members, one of whom was his study partner and none of whom were actually jerks.
“I had no idea. I’m color blind” said Danny Connie, “I thought she just liked the basketball team.”
TRINITEERS PLOT RETURN
Rumours have been circulating about a mysterious return of the elusive Triniteers.
“Triniteers was one of the original Trinity fraternities,” said an anonymous remaining Teer, poking his head out of a trash can, “The name sounds like LeeRoy’s wet dream had a child with the Mickey Mouse club. We, I mean, they, deserve to be reinstated.”
Despite rejecting a new sorority of misfit toys on the basis of there are too many sorority girls at this dang school, Greek life coordinator Germie All-in is ready to welcome back the Triniteers.
“Once the final Teer is graduated, the club can be reinstated,” explains All-In, “We’ll make sure that the new members aren’t cool enough to do anything crazy, but still cool enough to be frat bros. Like O-Phi level of trying hard and the I-Chi’s level of sober monitors.”
“Why can the Triniteers come back, but we can’t create a new club!” Said the girls of the rejected sorority. “We should have called it the Tigerettes!”
As the rejected sorority sisters attempt to reinstate the Tigerettes — searching in vain for the last living Tigerette, now chain smoking in a Techuanca retirement home — the returning Triniteers seem to have some support from an unlikely place.
“The members of PRIDE are 100% behind the return of the Triniteers,” said PRIDE president Hella Gay, “We are really looking forward to partnering with the historical frat for the traditional Teers, Queers, and Beers mixer.”
O-PHIS CAN’T WIN IM SOCCER
The men of Omega Phi came up second once again in the final of intramural soccer, losing once again to the only team who can defeat them: senior Trinity soccer players who have finished out their four years of eligibility.
IM records were destroyed in a fire set by a fleeing Virginia Cleaner, however her replacement, Christeen Harleston allowed the Trinitonian to access the past two years of IM winners.
2017 Mixed Soccer IM Finals:
Third of the SPURS With McGinlay’s Bitches vs O-Phi/Sigma SGA Quorum
2017 Men’s Soccer IM Finals:
Omega Phi vs D3 MVPs
2018 Mixed Soccer IM Finals:
FCK (Football Club Kicking) vs Bow Tie Lovers & their Lovers
2018 Men’s Soccer IM Finals:
Omega Phi vs Just Some Kids Who Miss Lawrence.
In order to defeat these former collegiate soccer champions, the men of Omega Phi have began an elaborate plan, the details of which were discovered on the ground near the sand volleyball court.
This is a work of satirical fiction produced for the 2018 issue of the Trinibonian.
Staff editorials and articles compiled by multiple staff members appear here. To view an individual staff member's posts, find his or her name in our staff indices.