https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/TftPoH.jpg

Tigers for the Pursuit of Happiness has officially been recognized as a registered student organization (RSO.) The group has joined the ranks of other RSOs on campus, like Tigers for Life and Tigers for Liberty, and has planned a series of events to commemorate their official status. As of publication, the group has twelve members and is advised by Will Smith, visiting professor of freshness from Bel-Air College. “We just felt like something was missing...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/MabeeFire.jpg

Partly in anticipation of coming changes to Trinity University dining and partly as a reaction to numerous one-star reviews from esteemed Instagram food critic @mabeefoodreviews, Aramark officials decided this Monday to blow up Mabee Dining Hall with dynamite as a last-ditch attempt to garner sympathy for the failing eatery. Witnesses report being on the way to breakfast when red bricks — as well as a rubbery orange substance that may have been Mabee’s most recent...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/swashdestuctution.jpg

One of Trinity’s prominent student groups is undergoing a change. The Swashbucklers — known for being militantly substance-free, dressing up like pirates and having entire residence halls to themselves when fraternities can’t even get a few adjacent rooms — have dramatically changed one of their core tenets. Ima Succor, a senior Swashbuckler and business minor, said, “The decision to change our policy on substances came about because we were trying to grow the club by...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/dannydesk.jpg

Renowned campus leader and admissions office model Danny Anderson is a familiar and accessible face around Trinity, but for years he has remained elusive about the contents of his desk. In order to get to know the real Anderson, and to finally dispel any rumors of the alleged campus self-destruct button in his office, Anderson graciously allowed me to interview him from his hidden lair underneath Murchison Tower, where we explored the mysterious depths of...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Coateswall.jpg

A vast, white wall appeared a month ago, bisecting Coates Commons and the food court. This phenomenon has left students confused, starved and aimlessly wandering in search of food and other facilities. In response to the food scarcity, first-year poli-sci major Guy Maynard notably barricaded himself into Mabee Dining Hall’s glass meeting room, only exiting to bribe the chefs and exercise his monopoly on cookies every time a new batch was made. “I don’t really...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Color-3616-1.jpg

Every college applicant is familiar with the enticing marketing material sent out by universities and plastered all over the front page of their websites. This material consists heavily of idyllic images of students studying around scenic campuses, often sprawled out on the grass or having very deep conversations — probably about existentialism, Marxism or quantum physics. In Trinity’s case, the images probably contain at least one white lawn chair. There seem to be bonus points,...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/sisters.jpg

GAMMA’S NEW CHARITY IS TEACHING THE PHI DELTS HOW TO PARTY The PDK’s are sick and tired of their good girl image. “Yeah, so, like, 10 years ago PDK was lame but now, like, we’re the Phi Delts, and we party hard,” said Chastity Bond.  The last Phi Delt party was off the chain, with the ladies drinking wine while making cookies as the “Dear Evan Hansen” original cast recording blasted from the speakers. However,...

https://1085167.v1.pressablecdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/scoreboard.jpg

Though the football field’s brand new ‘Boombox’ is the biggest scoreboard in the history of Division III football, coach Jeremy Suburban recently announced plans to erect an even larger scoreboard within the next month. The new JumboTron will boast dimensions of 150 by 300 feet and a sound system with the ability to reach over 130 decibels. “We are very thankful for the donor support that made the Boombox happen, but I have bigger plans,” Suburban...