So there’s this book, right. It’s sort of ridiculous, but also astonishingly hard to put down. After, reading … ahem … skimming this College Prowler edition of Trinity University, published in 2006, I’ve only come to the sharp conclusion that offensive material is probably the most entertaining to read and whoever this Kristin Dickson was, was a real you-know-what.
Because a) you will probably not go out and read this and b) the bookstore doesn’t sell it anymore, I will gladly share with you some of my personal favorite highlights from this guide and allow you to laugh along with me. Don’t worry, I’ve only selected the pure gold. Bear in mind, however, that these quotes came straight from the mouths of Trinity students (they said it, not me!) and, trust me, they held nothing back.
On guys and girls at Trinity:
“Trinity has almost any kind of person you could want. Look hard enough and you’ll find an idiot jock, a ditzy blonde, a bitter fat girl, or a closeted drama buff.”
Well I mean, at least we’re diverse.
“Hot? Yes. Attractive? Maybe, if you like men who can crush beer cans with their foreheads.”
That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think? That’s a legitimate skill.
“It seems that most everyone at Trinity is alike – in an unattractive way.”
Don’t spare my feelings or anything.
On Greek life at Trinity:
“Alpha Chi Lambda is the newest sorority, essentially started several years ago as a catch-all for the many girls who aren’t selected by any other sorority.”
Who needs friends when you have sunflowers?
“Deltas have a reputation for sexually assaulting women (don’t drink Delta punch), and the Lancers (all six of them) will hopefully become extinct, sooner or later.”
It’s Delts honey, Delts.
“Sigmas aren’t really a sorority, they’re a knitting circle that will sometimes consume alcohol, probably by accident.”
On campus strictness:
“There are campus police? I thought those were just people Trinity hired to protect the students from the real cops?”
Okay, you can’t not laugh at that.
For the most part, if you can look beyond the overly offensive jabs at Greek life, the book does provide some insight into Trinity’s campus. However, because it is six years outdated, there are some parts that you should probably ignore altogether. For example, under Trinity Slang it lists what’s called a “DAFY” or “Dumb-A** First-Year.” I don’t think that’s a thing people say, so don’t start saying it or I will likely judge you.
It also refers to Beze and Herndon as “The Ghetto.” Now, this may seem accurate to all you first years living there (I lived there, I’m allowed to say that), but I can promise you if you tell your friends you’re going to “The Ghetto” they will assume you have lost your mind and want to willingly peruse the dark side of Hildebrand.
Apparently, “The Tower” is a Trinity Slang word as well, but my favorite part about its inclusion in the list is that Dickson calls it Trinity’s phallic symbol or “The Trinity Penis.” Bet climbing the Trinity tower won’t be the same now. Sorry.