If there’s anything I’m an expert on, it’s the first thirty pages of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” That is why I am completely qualified to write about my steamy preparations to see the movie this sexy Saturday night. So strap on your reading eyes and feel free to safeword yourself out of this article because here’s every arousing thing you’ll need to do to get ready to go see the cinematic masterpiece that will go down in history.
Look at yourself in the mirror
Before departing on your little sex-capade, go into the bathroom and make direct eye contact with your reflection. Ask these questions: Do I really want this? What can I possibly get out of this? Will it really be that funny? Is anything really that funny? To what other plans have I been invited on Valentine’s Day? Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll go.
Find a movie theater in a different town
If you’re…hypothetically…going alone, it might be best to take some precautions. I’d recommend a 50-mile radius of “don’t go here” just in case you have an awkward run-in with someone and have to pretend like you’re waiting on other people before sneaking out the emergency exit. I’d also suggest wearing a gender-bending disguise and paying in cash. It would also be wise to watch a marathon of Eastern European movies the week before so you can develop a thick, unrecognizable accent.
Going sober is a rookie mistake. You aren’t going to enjoy the aesthetic, analyze the plot or listen to the dialogue—you’re here to tell your friends it was ironic or get your rocks off. Therefore, I definitely suggest downing a couple of bottles of something stronger than Christian Grey’s penetrating smolder, (Good luck).
Let your mom know what you’ll be up to
She loves you and just wants to know that you’re happy. She’s been pestering you all week about the situation your love life is in because, frankly, you’re a nice girl and once a boy gets past your self-deprecating, yet insulting, personality, he’ll see how attractive your face can be if you apply the mascara like she told you to. And you just need to stop eating junk food because it distracts from the wide hipbones your inherited from your grandmother, because she loves you so much and doesn’t want you to be 30 and still single. Also, your mother is without a doubt going this weekend too and might want to compare notes on Monday.
Pack at least six changes of underwear
I’m not saying that you’re going to need them, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry, in case Mr. Grey takes off his shirt too quickly for you to properly fold your legs and you have a little “accident.” Don’t be shy about it either. Just stuff your unmentionables into the cupholder and, if the moment strikes, you’ll be able to quietly and efficiently change without standing up and missing even a single inch…I mean…moment…of the film.