Awards Mania: Why Sia should take my advice

Between Kristen Wiig and Shia LaBeouf, it seems like all the cool kids are doing one thing: dancing in nude leotards and blonde wigs while singer-songwriter Sia belts in the background.

It seems that every time Sia is invited to perform, she finds a new celeb to metaphorically strut his or her stuff and make me fall in love with chandeliers and elasticity all over again.  I’m so interested in who will be onstage next that I’ve decided to create a few personal suggestions for Sia to just peruse through.

Also, if Sia is reading this and would just like to hang out sometime, I’d be totally down.

My Dog Taffy

While she’s never technically been allowed in the limelight before, I think that my eleven-pound Bichon Frise/ King Cavelier mix would absolutely rock the passion of the dance.  What she lacks in skill and control, Taff makes up for in raw, uncut enthusiasm.  She also gives lots of kisses and makes an excellent companion through life.

Tina Belcher

If there’s anybody who knows how to shake it, it is the prepubescent representation of tween awkwardness on Bob’s Burgers.  She likely already has a nude leotard and bleach blonde wig and learning the dance moves would be no problem.  And I don’t want to be creepy, but she has the best bod for the job.

Beyoncé

Imagine that you’re sitting in an audience, waiting to hear Sia perform.  Suddenly, the lights are dimmed.  Your breathing quickens because you are suddenly hyper-aware that something magical and terrifying and world-shaking is about to happen.  Sia starts jamming out onstage and out pops Queen Bey herself. Imagine the uproar. Imagine the applause. Imagine the overall feelings of satisfaction with life you’d immediately feel.  Maybe, one day, we’ll all be as happy as we would be in this hypothetical scenario that will never happen.

Super Bowl Left Shark

Everybody bonds over comeback stories.  We all love it when a true underdog (or undershark) manages to stare defeat and personal/professional humiliation, get up, and take charge of his or her own happiness.

Left shark has not been beaten down by the system yet and will better its shark life.  I also never want to stop talking about this.

One Direction

Harry, Louis, Zayn, Liam, and Niall were put on this Earth for one reason alone: to wear nude spandex leotards.

Honestly, I do not have to many preferences other than the ‘tards—it doesn’t necessarily have to be a performance, Sia doesn’t have to be there, the boys could have no idea where they have been dropped off.  The possibilities are endless.

Sia

How artsy fartsy would it be if Sia was both onstage singing and onstage dancing.  We’d start off waiting for somebody to dance because Sia would be facing the wall as usual.

Suddenly, a figure emerges from behind the curtain whilst flipping and pointing and other dance movies. It is Sia too.

We realize that the singer is actually my dog, Taffy.  The vocals are relatively unchanged. We feel a great sense of artistic understanding.