Save Facebook, fight SOPA

by Ashley Feinberg

Unless you’ve been living in a cave awaiting the Apocalypse (Ron Paul), you were probably aware that, this past Wednesday, several high-profile websites were missing from our beloved interwebs. These sites that included Wikipedia, Reddit and the ever-erudite Cheezburger Network were protesting the Stop Online Piracy Act and Protect IP Act (SOPA and PIPA) by blacking out for a full 24 hours (not that kind of blackout. Finishing a fifth of vodka still won’t make you socially aware. Although, it will make you wittier and more attractive). Currently making its way through Congress, this legislation could open the door to heavy Internet censorship.

While most major websites voiced their opposition to the bills, some, such as Facebook, were criticized for their choice to stay live. However, I believe we must consider the consequences of removing something that has become a central point in the lives of many. After all, we could have woken up to a story like this Thursday morning:

In the wake of the 24-hour removal of Facebook, the country was in a state of panic this past Wednesday as millions of Americans were forced to face their friends, family, coworkers and the guy they think they maybe talked to at that party last year in direct, one-on-one human contact for the first time in years.

Without the aid of emoticons, LOLs, or caps-lock, citizens found themselves at a loss when trying to express their thoughts, having totally lost any knowledge of the ancient practice of body language and social cues. Even more heart-wrenching, some found themselves unable to forge any connection whatsoever.

“I’ll usually post pictures of me and Tommy on his wall three or four times a day, after Photoshopping them with phrases like ‘Real love stories never have endings’ or ‘If you ever cheat on me I swear I’ll ****ing kill you in your sleep,’ so he knows I’m there for him,� said 19-year-old Veronica Ensayne. “I’m trying to stay normal in the wake of the blackout, so any time I pass him on campus I’ll yell, ‘I LOVE YOU, heart, heart, heart, winky face.’ Except now that I can see the disgusted look on his face in response, something’s changed between us.�

Veronica wasn’t the only one with anxieties running high. The police force had to be called upon to direct mounting traffic in several major cities. The trouble began when young adults realized they had no way of sharing the 73 pictures they had taken the night before at their friend’s totally exclusive party. Many found they had no choice but to frantically hunt down not only all of their own friends but also the friends of anyone in the photo, thrusting their digital cameras in the face of all who would look.

“Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have put tire spikes in the road, but I didn’t know how else to get people to slow down enough to where I could see if they were a mutual friend or not,� said Desparit Foratinshun. “How else am I going to make sure that people know I’m living for the nights I can’t remember with the friends I’ll never forget?�

Everyday interactions quickly became even more troublesome, however, as many began to lose their voice. No longer able to instantaneously share every thought, witticism and gripe with entire friend lists, people found themselves shouting their hilarious observations and complaints at highly inappropriate times, often uncontrollably. The real strain, however, seems to have been the incessant need to yell “like� any time someone saw something they mildly approve of.

Vocal chords, however, weren’t the only things being hurt. Back injuries hit a record high today as Americans everywhere were left with no choice but to carry backpacks with every book, CD and DVD that changed their life and just really explains who they are at the core, man. After spreading out this array of media prior to allowing any interaction to take place, some were also given public indecency citations after exposing body parts that had been tattooed just hours before with their favorite quotes from Dane Cook, Old School, and Socrates.

“We just didn’t have the resources to handle all the back problems and tattoo infections,� said a frantic walk-in clinic attendant. “Plus, the number of people who came to us with minor poking injuries was astonishing.�

Perhaps the saddest part of the day, though, came unexpectedly with the absence of Facebook’s personalized ads. On this fateful Wednesday, lonely hearts abounded, wandering the Facebook-less, post-apocalyptic wasteland in solitude and without any viable way to meet hot singles in their area.