Administration spikes Magic Stones with hallucinogens

Students rub the Magic Stones for “luck” more than ever, causes debt in Trinity’s budget

by Lady Ottoline

The Trinity administration confirmed that it has been putting hallucinogen drugs inside of the “Magic Stones” to bring students luck.

Twelve Trinity seniors decided to approach the administration after experiencing this terrifying luck that they had received after touching the stones on Monday.

According to senior Shan Mullette, initially, the administration refused to comment and blamed the students’ hallucinogen escapades on their own consumption of drugs. But after breaking into the Cresident’s Office, senior Lickity Crockpot found documents that revealed the administration’s involvement in scheme.

“I found a document that was unbelievable,” Crockpot said. “For the past 15 years, the administration has been putting large quantities of drugs in the Magic Stones. There were things such as Crooms, Ashmid, and even non-hallucinogens like craycrayboom and crunchthemunch. To say the least, I was shocked.”

After finding this document, Crockpot presented it to the Board of Huskies and Cresident. According to Crockpot, the administration nervously shifted in their seats when he gave them evidence of their involvement. Crockpot said that the administration hesitantly admitted to putting such hallucinogens in the Magic Stones.

For years, Trinity students traditionally rub the Magic Stones before difficult exams to bring them good luck, but recently, this luck has gotten out of hand. Students have been complaining that these Stones are bringing more than just luck.

“Something wasn’t right after I rubbed the Magic Stones,” Mullette said. “I felt like I wasn’t myself. Hell, nothing was itself. It was uncanny.”

According to Harry Potter, president of the-boy-who-lived, the administration usually puts low doses of drugs in the Stones so students will only feel elated and confident. But somehow, more drugs have gotten into the Magic Stones.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” Potter said. “But even when we’ve tried to take the large doses of drugs out, the Stones won’t let us. It’s like they’re in control now.”

Luckily for Mullette, he rubbed the Magic Stones just for good luck in life, so he enjoyed the crazy repercussions.

For junior Chessa Mutchins, however, life wasn’t as enjoyable.

“I went to rub the Stones before my Shyology exam and I immediately knew something was strange,” Mutchins said. “When I was taking my exam, I began to lose concentration not because I didn’t know the answers, but because my desk was talking to me. I looked around to see if anyone else could hear it, but the other students had turned into elves and goblins.”

Despite her fears, Mutchins noted that she decided to sit tight to see what ensued.

“I held my desk closely, but as I was holding it, I realized it wasn’t just mumbling nonsense,” Mutchins said excitedly. “It was giving me the answers to my test.”

When asked if she thought this chair represented her subconscious, Mutchins said she did not know. Mutchins said she only knew that the chair was giving her answers and telling her things that she otherwise wouldn’t have known.

“In retrospect, I wondered if I did actually know the answers to my test and my chair was that mediator between my conscious and subconscious,” Mutchins said. “But honestly, I have no idea. I guess that’s the point. How are you supposed to know your subconscious?”

After revealing their involvement in putting drugs in the stones, the administration asked Crockpot to “keep this on the “DL,” according to Crockpot.

“When anyone tells you to keep something on the ‘DL,’ you have to tell everybody,” Crockpot said. “And that’s what I did.”

After Crockpot told most of the school about the drugs imbedded in the Magic Stones, more students have flocked to it for “luck,” even when they don’t need it.

“I always wondered why people gave in to such superstitious beliefs like rubbing the Magic Stones before tests,” said first year Lance Armstrong. “Now, I totally get it. There actually is luck inside the Magic Stones.”

As more people rub the Stones, administration is becoming concerned with how much money they are spending to maintain the upkeep of the Magic Stones.

“People are becoming overzealous and greedy, and it’s taking a toll on our budget,” said Lavid Kuddle, dean of Misfits, vice president of Monkey Business, president of Turd Blossoms, director of Wild and Crazy Kids, and father of twelve. “We now have to ‘refill’ the Magic Stones once a week, rather than once every two months. If this pace keeps up, then we may have to take the magic out of the stones.”

Students are opposed to Kuddle’s threat and are willing to increase Student Activity Pee dues for the upkeep of the stones.

Kuddle responded to this request favorably.

“That would definitely work,” Tuttle said. “Students: bring your money. We’ll bring the magic.”